VI. Protocols for Working with Grieving Children
A. Background Considerations
1. Victim assistance professionals are often called upon to respond to
children who have survived the violent death of someone they know or love, or
who have witnessed violent death. Some professionals are called to the scenes
of violence and must assist children in the immediate aftermath of a crime.
Others may be asked to work with children in the process of helping other
family members deal with the criminal justice system. Still others become
involved with aiding communities or school systems develop and implement plans
for helping children cope with the impact of death on their daily lives. These
guidelines describe appropriate steps for such assistance, and age-appropriate
responses and provide a variety of skills, tools and techniques.
2. The goal of victim assistance with grieving children is:
To help children understand and live with their grief in a
healthy and constructive way.
3. Most children feel afraid and isolated after exposure to violent
death. Successful interventions are predicated on developing social networks
of support for them involving family members, school personnel, peers, and
community members.
4. The impact of death on children and their ability to cope with grief
in its aftermath is dependent upon:
a. Their age of development.
b. The attributes of the death -- how the person died.
c. The relationship of the child to the person who died.
d. The nature of the death notification.
e. Childrens previous experience and exposure to death and loss.
f. Their existing coping skills.
g. The nature of their support network.
h The information received from and the behaviors and attitudes of caregivers
around them.
5. There are five critical activities that must be accomplished in order
to live with grief:
a. Understanding what happened.
b. Experiencing the pain of the loss.
c. Mourning the loss.
d. Commemorating the loss.
e. Adjusting to and integrating the loss into a new life.
6. Violent death compounds grief. There are five issues to be addressed
in coping with the trauma of violence:
a. Reestablishing order and safety.
b. Addressing the impact of the trauma event.
c. Acknowledging the distress caused by the trauma.
d. Reframing the trauma through meaning, purpose or hope.
e. Reconciling trauma and loss in a new life.
7. It is essential to address both trauma issues and grief over death
when working with children who have survived violent death.
8. Most victim assistance professionals have survived the death of a
loved one themselves and must address their own issues prior to trying to help
others -- particularly children.
B. Definitions
Child -- For the purposes of this protocol, a child is defined as an
individual between the ages of 0-18. Three developmental stages are addressed
within that definition: 0-6, 7-11, and 12-18. It is recognized that such
definition and the development stages are arbitrary; that a person may be
developmentally a child past the age of 18; and that a person who is under 6 or
12 may be in a higher developmental stage.
Grief -- The feelings and thoughts that reflect emotions in the aftermath
of loss. For the purposes of this protocol, grief would be caused by violent
death.
Mourning -- The behaviors and actions that an individual uses to cope with
grief.
Grieving Child -- The grieving child may be a survivor of or witness to the
death of a loved one, acquaintance, or pet.
Victim Assistance Program -- A program that provides one or more of the
following services to victims of crime: crisis intervention, supportive
counseling and advocacy, information and referral, assistance during crime
investigation, assistance during any stage of prosecution, and assistance after
case disposition. A program may serve one or more types of crime victims such
as sexual assault victims, victims of domestic violence, survivors of homicide
victims, child victims, elderly victims or victims of bias crimes.
Victim Assistance Professional -- A person who provides any of the services
listed above as a paid or unpaid staff person. The person may be employed by a
victim assistance program or be a teacher or counselor in a school, a law
enforcement professional, a lawyer or prosecutor, a judge, a membe of the
clergy, a mental health professional, or any other individual who becomes a
caregiver to grieving children.
C. Victim Assistance Professionals Responsibilities
When working with grieving children, the victim assistance provider shall:
1. Work with the significant adults and peers in their lives to create a
safe, compassionate, caring environment that fosters communication and
acknowledgment of the grief and loss.
2. Strive to provide concrete and timely information about the trauma,
the death, and what may happen to the child or around the child in the
aftermath.
3. Recognize that grief and mourning is a long-term process and requires
guidance throughout developmental stages.
4. Utilize a range of techniques and skills in order to accommodate
different developmental stages as well as to address different learning
capacities of the child.
In order to accomplish the above, at the scene of a crime, the victim
assistance provider shall:
1. Talk with an adult who has a significant relationship with the child,
prior to informing the child of the death, if possible.
2. Work with law enforcement to find out what information the police may
need from the child.
3. Establish a safe place to tell the child about the death or talk with
the child in the aftermath of notification.
4. Make a preliminary assessment of the child through:
a. Identifying any possible physical injuries or reactions that might
need medical attention.
b. Identifying the names, ages, genders, addresses, schools, or grades
of children witnessing or surviving the death.
c. Identifying the relationship of the deceased to the child.
d. Obtaining as much information as possible about the nature of the
death.
e. Obtaining as much information as possible about the child and his
or her previous experiences with death.
5. Ensure that the child is warm and comfortable, and offer physical
comfort, if the child responds to it.
6. Be calm and reassuring when telling the child about the death or
talking about his or her initial reactions.
7. Convey sympathy to the child about the death.
8. Ask the child if he or she has any questions about the death.
9. Be prepared to answer questions honestly, factually and briefly.
10. Work with significant adults to arrange for a safe and reassuring
place for the child to stay for the next 24-48 hours.
11. Spend time with significant adults preparing them to work with the
child during the next 24-48 hours.
12. Arrange for or plan to provide additional support for the child within
the next 24-48 hours.
If victim assistance providers are requested to provide death notification
to children, they shall:
1. Take them to a safe place to do so. If a trusted adult is available
to be there, encourage participation.
a. Even when a child has witnessed a violent death, a notification is
necessary since death is not readily comprehended.
b. A safe place is one which is comfortable, secure and removed from
other major activity. While it may be within their own home, it should not be
their bedroom or kitchen because they may associate the death and their
accompanying rections with these places and that association may interfere with
sleeping or eating habits in the aftermath.
2. Provide them, if age-appropriate, with a blanket, toy or stuffed
animal (a favorite item, if available) to hold on to while you tell them what
happened.
3. If they are crying or agitated, hold or soothe them until they can
concentrate on what you have to say.
4. Sit down with them -- on the floor if appropriate -- and tell them you
have something sad to talk with them about.
5. Tell them in short, factual statements what happened.
"Your father was killed tonight. He is dead. Someone shot him with a
gun. It is very sad and your mother is very sad." If the person who did the
shooting is already identified, name him. "Mr. Smith shot him."
6. Ask them if they have any questions, and listen carefully to their
concerns. It is important to try to find out what is happening inside their
minds.
7. If children have witnessed the violent death, encourage them to relate all the details they saw so you can find out what they think happened. Try to reconcile their perceptions with what you know happened and immediately begin to dispel any distortions or feelings of guilt or self-blame.
Victim assistance providers working with children in the aftermath of a
crime shall:
1. Make an assessment of the grieving childrens needs through:
a. Working with adults in their social support network to identify
information on:
(1) Each child including: names, addresses, genders, ages, schools,
grades, and responsible and significant adults or peers in their lives.
(2) The nature of the death and the relationships of children to the
deceased.
(3) The social, economic, religious, and cultural background of the
childrens families.
(4) The childrens school histories.
(5) Other critical events in the childrens lives such as the
experience of previous deaths, divorce, serious illness or injury, loss of
home, exposure to substance abuse, or significant school or community changes.
b. Working with the children to solicit information on:
(1) The meaning of the death to them.
(2) Their understanding of the relationship of the deceased to them.
(3) Their understanding of the nature of the death.
(4) Interests and special abilities that may be helpful in involving
the children in meaningful activities.
(5) Significant adults or peers who may be helpful to them.
(6) Attitudes towards themselves and others in the past and present.
2. Ensure that the children have a safe and reassuring environment within
which to continue their lives.
a. A safe physical environment is one characterized by:
(1) A lack of violence.
(2) A lack of substance abuse.
(3) Adequate nutrition, opportunities for rest or sleep, and adequate
physical exercise.
b. A reassuring environment is one characterized by: